Azores Roller Coaster…

“…we’d be airborne half the time, and the roar of the van on a cobblestone road…was unbelievably loud…”

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My first Active Duty assignment after Tech School in the Air Force was to Lajes Field, Terceira island, Azores, Portugal. Once there, I was assigned to the Cinco Pico Transmitter site;

https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3243233
Credit: José Luís Ávila Silveira/Pedro Noronha e Costa – Public Domain

the site was approximately 5 miles east of the base in an extinct caldera in the middle of the island. At one time it was considered a “remote” assignment; that’ll tell you something about the road conditions at that time! By the time I got there, they had cobble-stoned the roads that went up there, so it was possible to commute from the base if you needed to.

Up at the site it became understood pretty early on that I was a crazy coonass; and I became the designated driver to go down to the base and pick up the newbies. We had an Air Force van assigned to the site; Chevy, short wheelbase, automatic transmission 350 cubic inch V8! WAY more power than it needed to haul people around…

…so I’d go pick up the mark, and introduce them to the high speed cobblestone roller-coaster of a road between the base and the site. It started out pretty mellow, being on base and all, then we began picking up speed as we got further up the ridge; there were spots where you saw nothing over the wall looking downhill for a coupla hundred feet, and blind curves, and herds of cattle, and buses that took up more than half the road…then you went down this cut in the ridge, down into the caldera… in the winter time, the wind would be blowing up this cut so hard sometimes you’d have to downshift going downhill and give it the gas to keep going!

After a couple of sweeping curves,

I would floor it, and get it up to over a hundred…MPH… and we’d be airborne half the time, and the roar of the van on a cobblestone road going that fast was unbelievably loud…

then make the left turn on the road toward the site on two squealing tires then coast on up to the site parking lot.

There would be a gang of people at the top of the stairwell watching out the windows to see how long it took the newbie to recover enough to walk… some of ’em took a few minutes… but they all have a helluva story to tell the grand-kids about their tour at Cinco Picos!

To be continued; same life, different story…

Goat Weed

by Ferrel Miller

Ferrel and Tammy
Ferrel & Tammy Miller

We took a weekend ride a while back on the Road King; we had been on the road for a couple hours and pulled into a gas station for a pit stop. I went to use the restroom and noticed the usual machines on the wall; the one that always catches my eye is the “Horny Goat Weed”! I got to thinking about it and said “what the heck!” and bought a pack. I was getting a little thirsty so I also got a 16 oz. can of Red Bull then went back to the bike. Tammy went inside, and I figured it was the perfect time to eat the goat weed and slam the Red Bull. Tammy came out, and we got back on the bike and rolled out.

About a half an hour later we are rolling through a nice wooded area and all is fine; the rumble of the pipes, the throb of the Road King, the fresh country air, and Tammy is kicked back on the queen seat like a chicken hawk on a telephone pole. I’m feeling like one of those Big Horn Rams you see on a national geographic documentary. The wooded area ended and we broke out into this huge pasture of beautiful green winter grass; that’s when things got crazy! bahhaa. This feeling came over me I couldn’t control, all that beautiful green grass, baaahhaaa! I couldn’t control myself any longer! I bailed off the bike and went to grazing, baaahhaa!

Well, I didn’t notice the huge bull that was also in the same field, and he didn’t care to share his grass. The chase was on! He ran me around the field a couple times, and for some reason I started jumping up and down and mule kicking! Baaahaaaa! Well I guess the bull never seen anything like that, so he turned around and hauled ass, so the chase was on, and I ran him around the field a coupla times!

I didn’t know it at the time, but the rancher and Tammy are watching all this. Fortunately, the rancher had a great sense of humor. Unfortunately, Tammy didn’t; I slept in room 113 and she slept in room 213! We had a bill in the mail today from the hotel; $200.00 dollars for pillow cases and a comforter… Tammy asked if I had any idea what that was for; all those beautiful flowers; baaaaahhhaaa!

Leave the goat weed alone!

To be continued; different life, different story…

© Dewayne P. Blanco, 2017

Wild Horses!

“… so I yelled, ‘HANG ON!’ as we hit the cans and I yanked the wheel to the left.”

It was a long, quiet ride with my mom and dad from Patterson to Franklin; the tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a hot dog. My Dad hadn’t spoken to me since the night of the incident. I believe he was afraid of losing his temper. And he had a temper that anyone who knew him, knew better than to provoke. I dreaded his reaction when he saw the car; his first new car in over 20 years. I had totaled it while he and my mom were on a trip out of town bringing a group of Girl Scouts to Atlanta in the church bus. It took everything I had to call them that night and convey the bad news, but I knew I was safer doing it over the phone myself than letting them find out from someone else…

As soon as I told him, he confirmed my fears, uttering some fearful oaths while immediately handing the phone to my mom. She must have deduced that something bad had happened and her first words were, “Are you okay?”

I told her everyone was OK, but the car was in pretty bad shape. She could tell that I was pretty upset, and tried to console me, and it helped a little; but I knew that I would have to face the wrath of Dad, and the car wreck might seem pretty tame compared to that.

When we walked around the corner into the service bay, the Mustang was the first thing that came into view.  After the longest 2 or 3 seconds in my life, Dad turned to me and growled through clenched teeth, “45 miles an hour MY ASS!” (My weak attempt at minimizing the damage. Well, we WERE going 45 at some point, right?)

The hair on the back of my neck wanted to stand up and run away–and I pondered the wisdom of running, myself, knowing that when he caught me he would do serious damage. But if I stayed, serious damage would be inflicted immediately! As his face turned a frightening shade of red and his fists clenched, my mom decided to save my life and jumped on him, wrapping her arms around his arms and her legs around his legs as she loudly implored, “Don’t hurt him Daddy!”

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as my adrenaline level went to maximum.  Obviously he didn’t kill me, but I wouldn’t want to know what thoughts went through his head for the next couple of weeks. And I wouldn’t know, because he didn’t speak to me for at least that long. It was not a fun experience, and I don’t recommend it if you can avoid it. What brought us to this excruciating point? Well, it started innocently enough…

While they were out of town on the bus trip, I was staying with a family friend, Ronnie Sanders, who was a teacher at the Bayou Vista elementary school. Since it was summer, he had time to keep an eye on me, and he did a reasonable job for a young bachelor. I don’t believe he had any brothers, or he would never have let me out of his sight. But, going on his own experience, he gave me a lot more credit than I deserved, and he let me go out on a Saturday night.

To further complicate matters, I had talked my oldest sister into letting me use the Mustang.

She had been entrusted with its safe-keeping and she, also, extended more trust in my behavior than I deserved. Maybe she was clairvoyant and was just getting back at me for throwing the stick in her spokes years earlier? Payback is a…well, anyway, I was let loose on the world, and a loose cannon I was!

On a Saturday night in Patterson at that time, there were always several groups of teenagers driving around looking for something to do.  Although  the bar owners pretty much knew that we were too young to be in a bar, we could either buy beer at some local convenience store where we were unknown to the cashier, or we could get an older classmate to get some for us. Then we would congregate at a place kinda out of town and throw down a few cold ones, while hoping some girls would show up also.

On this night I had picked up Don Guidry, whom I had known since I was born (his mom brought him to the hospital when he was six months old to visit me and my mom when I was born!).  At some point we acquired Joey Adams, a couple of six-packs, and decided to go out to Landry’s Pond and drink some there. The pond was across a drainage canal in the woods past where the cane fields ended, and the road to get there was a one lane shell road with three-foot wide by three-foot deep ditches on both sides that ran through about a mile of cane fields. The only reason the road was even paved with shells was that after it crossed the canal it led to a well site about a quarter mile into the woods. We had hunted out there and camped out in the area when younger, so most of us were familiar with the area.

After we had exhausted our beer supply, we built a small pyramid of beer cans in the middle of the road just before the 45° turn toward the wooden bridge that crossed the 20-foot wide, 10-foot deep drainage canal. After that turn, the road ran straight for about 20 yards, then made another 45°turn to cross the bridge and go into the woods. The importance of these details will soon become apparent.

So we jump in the car and tear off toward the highway, the sound of shells roaring against the inside of the fender wells is still vivid in my mind as we soon were going 90 miles an hour down this shell road! I misjudged the stopping distance, and when we got to the highway we slid across the road, stopping on the opposite shoulder! This should have been a wake-up call, but my brain was not answering the call, unfortunately… and while we were recovering on the side of the road, Roy Barr and Guy Cutrera came by. They had some beer with them, and we talked them into leaving some with us. We also gave them some money to go back into town to re-stock and to spread the word about the imminent party at the pond.

So, Joey, Don and I jumped back in the car and headed back toward the pond.

We were accelerating at a rapid pace, and I remember glancing down at the speedometer. It was on the north side of 100 mph! Just as I looked up, I saw the beer cans and knew we were in trouble. We had learned in Drivers Ed that you were over-driving your headlights at anything over 70, and as that thought flashed through my mind I got on the brakes as hard as I could without losing control… it didn’t seem that we were slowing down much, and as the cans got closer, my last thought as I looked down and saw 60 something on the speedometer was that drainage canal just beyond the curve… so I yelled, “HANG ON!” as we hit the cans and I yanked the wheel to the left.

The car jerked to the left and kept rotating that way, and went up on two wheels, came down, and did it again, then went up a third time and kept going all the way over;  now sliding on the roof, somehow still on the road, sliding backwards between the trees that lined the road! Then all the roaring stopped, and I was sitting on what had been the roof, but was now the floor, watching the dust drift down through the light from the radio; drifting down from what had been the floor, but was now the roof. And a sinking feeling grew in my soul as the reality sank in… and finally yelling “Everybody ok?” as the urgent need to get out came to the front of my mind.

Joey replied, “Yeah, I’m OK…” and then we heard Don from outside the car say, “Yeah!” too.

 “How the hell did you get out?” we yelled, probably in unison… and he replied that he had gotten out the back side-window! I don’t know if you remember how small those windows were in the 1970 Mustang hatchback, but we were evidently much smaller then, and had a hell-of-a-lot of incentive to get out. So out we went.

After a few minutes of trying to calm down, and taking stock of the situation, we realized that there was a lot of unopened beer still in the car; and we all agreed that someone would have to go back in and pass them out so we could try to clear out as much damning evidence as possible. I don’t remember who went back in the car, but we got them out, opened them, and then threw them as far into the woods as possible!  Then we tried to find as many as we could of the cans that had been in the road. A fruitless exercise, in retrospect, if the police had shown up, but hey, we had to do something as we waited.

Before long others began arriving, and everyone was just blown away by the scene; someone finally mentioned that we should probably turn off the headlights, as they were now pointing in a conspicuously curious direction– so that was done. Then someone went into town to call a wrecker so we could get it out of there before the cops happened by… and somehow that, too, was accomplished discreetly.  The wrecker had to hook onto the front of the car and drag it out about 30 yards or so to get it to a position where he could hook onto it by its side and roll it back over; I don’t know how I didn’t get sick watching all this, ya know?

After the car had been towed away, someone gave me a ride back to Ronnie’s apartment in Morgan City, and I began the long hard process of telling everyone who needed to know about what had happened. Needless to say, it took me a LONG time to get to sleep that night. After many years, I could finally look back with some small consolation; it was the last time I was the cause of an accident due to drinking alcohol… in a car, anyhow…

To be continued; same life, different story…

© Dewayne P. Blanco 2017